My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
