you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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