I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
