He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
