you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
