I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
