I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
