i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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