I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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