i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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