I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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