I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
