can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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