Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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