....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
