Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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