I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
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