do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
