the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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