Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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