On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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