Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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