I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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