none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
