I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
