i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
