You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
