i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
