i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
