i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
