My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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