it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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