yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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