he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hippo gnu deer
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
