I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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