i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
