im gay
i know
yea but for you.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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