Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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