someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
