i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
