"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
