whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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