No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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