I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
