When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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