have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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