Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
