If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
