She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
