at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
false alarm. still invincible.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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