it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
