No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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