i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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