my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
