Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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