Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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