Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
