Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
