she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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