also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
