I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
