I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
