Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
